delusions of unconscious errors

if i took more risks,
i would have more regrets
if i took more risks,
i would have been on many more adventures
and inevitably more tragedies
if i took more risks,
i would have acquired a collection
of stories and trophies and art,
if i took more risks,
i would have more scars and a tale for each
if i took more risks,
i would have more reasons to cry,
if i took more risks,
i would have a world of trying to forget
if i took more risks,
i’d dream of the paths i took and the paths i didn’t take
to no purpose
if i took more risks…
i did. i do. i didn’t.
the three sisters watch on and cackle
as i struggle with my own choices and what is rooted in destiny

if i close my eyes

if i dream
if i desire
if i despair
if i go delirious…
i can feel myself making the mistake again, inside of me.
a possibility for destruction
a hope for death
the ending of something, born a beginning.

if only…

“I wanted to write about it all.
Everything that happens in a moment.
The way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms.
This towel – how it smells, how it feels…it’s thread.
All our feelings – yours and mine.
The history of it.
Who we once were.
Everything in the world.
Everything all mixed up.
Like it’s all mixed up now.
And I failed.
I failed.
No matter what you start up with, it ends up being so much less.
Sheer fucking pride!
And stupidity.
We want everything, don’t we?”

~The Hours